its all in my head
i dont know if i was a bad kid or not. my perception of myself and my worth is really warped. i never tried to be bad on purpose but i still would feel like im the worst kid in the world. i had a really hard time in school i never liked to do homework because i could never focus because i was too busy trying not to kill myself everyday. because of that i always got my stuff taken away and yelled at for hours.
my mom would yell at me and if i cried she'd tell me to stop crying. and when i stopped crying and didnt react i was being disrespectful. and if i tried to defend myself i was also disrespectful and if i didnt say anything at all i was also.
so i shut down and just said okay and i dont know whenever she spoke to me and she got mad at me for that too. why was she so angry with me? i was always answering honestly -- i dont know why i was messing up in school. i wasnt trying to be lazy. i dont understand.
because of that i have really poor self worth. i remember when my mom kicked me out of the house because i was messing up. she slapped me across the face before then. then i was the bad guy for talking to the counselors, the only people who would listen to me.
she always tried to make me seem evil and against her but i never was. my first bully was my mother. i loved her so much and she didnt love me back. she doesnt understand to this day how much she traumatised me. i love my mother i really do and as much as she loves me she also ruined my life. i am the way i am because of her and i dont know if she can really accept that and i dont know if i'll ever be able to tell her how much she affected me.
but my mom was at least there and trying. my mom was doing so much to try and provide for us. she was a single mother coming out of an abusive relationship. please dont think shes evil. shes not. she was doing what she could. i wasnt a perfect child either, but, two things can be true at once.
its just crazy to think that, such flawed people are meant to raise children. my mom never meant for it to be this way and i dont think my dad did either.
this part of my brain is always going to be 17 forever. i can never get older. im always a child. im stuck here.
i dont know what im really saying anymore but whatever.
i find comfort in pain because its what im used to and being happy is terrifying because i think i dont deserve it. im so afraid
i've been watchin gachiakuta and the character amo resonates with me so deeply.
all i've ever wanted all my life is so be loved even if it hurts and that has been my truth
i'll do anything to be wanted and loved
is that really so bad? i dont know anymore. i dont care what happens as long as i'm loved
- 🦌